kimmy159's Blog

My second therapy session with the Psychologist went okay yesterday. I had a better feeling about it than the first time. The first time, she made me talk about an experience in my past which she labelled as a 'childhood trauma'.
I felt like I had to open up too fast and I felt bad about it afterwards. She also made me tell the story 6 x times in a row and I felt like such an idiot for having to do so. Each time I finished, she would distract me by letting me describe a random object, to take my mind and emotions away from the story.
Yesterday, she made me tell it once again to check how my emotions were like when I was talking about it.
She said it was necessairy because the more I talk about it, the more emotions will come loose and I need to let them flow so that my sensibility towards the subject will become less and less.
She also explained that I never got to work through it because my family wouldn't talk about it with me. They just pretended like nothing happened. I guess they wanted to leave me out of it. But when you whitnessed something that had a huge effect on you, you need to confront yourself with it, not ignore it and I had been ignoring it for way too long.
During my first sessions, I felt like it was a waste of time. Why talk about things that happened in the past when the present is very different? I'm here because I feel bad and depressed in the present, why would I have to stand still with the past?
She explained that whatever happens in the present that went different than I had in mind (which would upset or disappoint me or make me feel bad), I will keep giving heavy reactions to it because it will always be that 'one drop that will let the bucket overflow', that's because I haven't worked out those things from the past.
She feels like I need to do that first before I can become stable again...
I didn't realise that until after the second session.
I don't like to dwell about the past because I want to be positive and looking bright to the future, but I realise now that sometimes we have to find closure first.
During the next 2 weeks, I have to let my emotions flow. I don't really allow myself to be sad or to cry for several minutes long, usually I distract myself so I can stop crying and feel better but now, I have to realise I'm sad and accept it untill I'm fully cried out and feel relieved. It's a strange and new concept to me...
Accepting the sadness and welcoming it, saying it's okay to be sad and allowing myself to be in that very moment... I'll try my best...

I had a good talk about it with my partner too yesterday. He was saying something that reminded me about my session and it triggered a conversation about it. I was feeling sad still, and he said 'don't cry, everything will be alright' and I told him that I HAD to cry and let it all out and explained him why.
The psychologist also recommended me to tell my partner that he shouldn't feel guilty about it everytime I cry because he triggered it. He always felt guilty for making me cry about "stupid, small" things, thinking he was making me sad while he needed to understand that it was just a 'drop too much on the bucket' that's making me sad. It's also something I didn't realise before.

I'm glad to say I finally found a Psychologist I feel at ease with and good with. The things she says finally make sense and I guess I'm more open to it now. I'll see how it goes in the future =) ~


Kim

I guess I can say I'm going through a strange phase in my life.
Sometimes nothing seems to matter.
I'm just living life on automatic, waiting for something to pop  up, but then again, nothing does pop up =/
It's like I don't have a goal or a direction to hang on to.
I figuered, maybe I could just save some money and keep it on automatic for now.
But then again, what would I be saving for...? =/
I hope things will be become more clear in the future...
~Feeling Lost~

I hope 2013 will most of all bring me change.
2012 was already a good start, but I hope I can continue the good things this year and push my limits even more.

To be honest, I'm kind of a quitter (and lazy by nature). Everytime I have a good resolution and I finally start with it, I tempt to quit after some time, especially when I'm going through a rough time or just  when I have to put in a lot of efford to accomplish something.
I want to change that this year... As I said before, 2012 was a good start. I started to go to school with Lexi (once a week, which is already a good commitment) and I haven't quit that so far. This turned out to be quite difficult for me because sometimes, I had to go even when it rained and I got soaking wet and cold (there's almost nothing I hate as much as being cold!). But somehow, I managed to keep on going.
I also stopped biting my fingernails (ok, I failed in it at one point, but now, I try to keep on the good work).
Last week I started to go to the fitness again. I hope I will be able to continue that too. It really helps to arrange my thoughts and I also feel better about myself when I sport on a regular basis.

I think getting some persistence has very possitive influences on me as a person.
I feel better about myself because I've become more able to hang on if things get hard.
Maybe it's just me getting more mature, who knows, but I'm very glad it's finally working out.

For the rest, I just hope I can spent more time with friends and family and save some money^^



Kim

This past year has been a year of many changes.
As I look back on it, most of them have been for the good!

In the beginning of January, I was offered a contract in the company I had worked for a year back then (and I still work here so far), I was so happy! This meant I finally had a regular income and I was able to get my own life started!
So in February, I moved out of the house with my boyfriend. We found a nice place a little bit further from the city for a pretty cheap price because it was a bit further from shops and so on, which isn't a problem because I pass the shops when I drive back from work. It had everything we wanted: a big garden, room for 2 bedrooms and a room to make a dressing room and it also had a very large room where my boyfriend could make his studio.

Not long after, we started looking for a dog (we kinda missed that around the house because we both had pets when we lived with our parents). We found a nice breeder with very beautiful dogs and not long after, Lexi (a border collie) joined our family.

Our first summer in our new place was pretty amazing too! The weather was warm and we had a lot of days with sunshine so naturally, we just had to give a poolparty! (with a small Intex pool) It was quite funny! Of course the pool didn't survive our friends but that's alright.

Parties are a big part of our current life since my boyfriend is a dj. The bright side of it, is that we can almost go to every event in VIP for free if we know the people who are organizing it hahah
But it's not always as much fun as it sounds. It also means we are sometimes a bit obligated to go, even if we don't feel like it at the moment.

2012 was also a year with a lot of personal struggles in our relationship. We had a lot of ups and downs since we moved in together. I guess we just had a hard time to adapt to our new situation. We had to get used to doing more of housekeeping and still try to find enough time for eachother. But I think we made it through the storm and things are getting better again.
It was also a year with a lot of financial struggles. We didn't get the chance to save a lot of money since I moved out of the house as soon as I had certainty about a regular income. We had to buy a lot of furnuture and stuff like that, but I guess we survived that too and I hope 2013 will be a year where we can actually start saving again.

In December, we started thinking about getting a second dog. Border collies are very active and people have always told us it's better to get 2 of them so they can play together sometimes. We noticed with Lexi that this was also the case so we started to look for another breeder. When we contacted them, their dog was already pregnant and was about giving birth to the puppies any day from then. We planned a visit and by then, the puppies were born. Since they were everything we searched for, we immediately chose one from the nest. We will pick up 'Shadow' in February this year  I'm so excited already!

I think the best thing about 2012 was that we had a lot of cheerful moments that we spent with our best friends.
I hope we can continue that in 2013!


Kim

Proud to say it's the second time I was able to quit biting my fingernails^^
I know it doesn't sound like a very special thing, but to me, this is a small victory.