kimmy159's Blog

Session 27th of August

I guess it's been a while since I last posted something about this.
I kind of feel weird about it lately. The first couple of sessions with my therapist have been very helpful but now it seems like I have reached some kind of stagnation point.
She was able to let me open up towards her as much as I would have been able to do with anyone and now we're past that phase and she can't get through further.
I went through about 3 sessions of instantly crying while talking about things in the past & my relationship and instantly shutting down short after. She made me try to get a hold of the feeling without success cause as soon as we start trying that, it also stopped.
Then we were talking again, I started crying again and then it was gone AGAIN.
She then tried a different approach: trying to make me realise it's my defense mechanism getting into immediate action, making me feel blank rather than sad. The only way to distract that is getting me to talk but as soon as she addresses it, it goes back into action. *sigh*
She wants me to train about realizing when I'm putting up my walls, recognizing it and appreciating it in the hope I will get controll over it. She says I need to give that 'concept' attention so I would understand how it works and maybe also how I can prevent it from happening all the time.
I thought this would be easier actually...
We were also talking about my relationship for a while, how nothing seems to be changing. And then she said it's also difficult for Michel to change when he doesn't get through and gets pushed away from that defensive mechanism... It's like I'm blind to every efford he makes because my defense thing won't let him give another try and get me ending up hurt and disappointed again. I used to be able to open up to him time and time again and now I've even lost touch with him ='( I just realized that today and... I'm just such a mess it up kinda person lately ='( I feel like nothing I do no matter what or where, nothing works out the way I thought it would.
Maybe I'm just stressed lately... I don't know what it is.

Part of me doesn't want to feel anymore, hoping that defense mechanism would be up all the time. It's easier, more convenient when it is.
another part of me cares too much, wants to restore it all too much, wants to keep on trying and fighting.
It's a touch second full time job, that's for sure...


New Challenge Accepted: 1 month of sports & healthy food!

Okay so here's how it started: some days ago, an acquaintance of mine started a youtube-blog thing.
She has started to do something from sports every day of the week for about 30 minutes a day as a challenge for 1 month.  
When I first saw it, I immediatelly thought: hey! I should totally do that too! Only problem: she has 2 months of vacation and I don't have that kind of luxury lol. So, I'll have to find gabs to do so and it won't probably be on a daily basis, but I'll try my best to find some free time in my busy schedule.

Another problem is that, in her video, most of the times she went running and things like that (which I don't like at all) and I tried it before but I always quit after a while. So, I'll have to come up with something else which I won't quit that easily. So basically, that means that I have to like it more or less + I think it will help if I can write about it and be motivated ;-) (Yeah E-Peepz, I'm counting on you to give me that extra motivation hehe =D)!
I think a lot of different kind of exercises would be good and fun ^^

The main reasons why I want to try this myself is because I do think being healthy is pretty important. I try not to exaggerate too much on the candy and things like that though it's pretty difficult since I like sweets a lot lol. Also, because it would be a good challenge which is benefitial as well. I feel like I haven't got much of a condition anymore (deskwork, going out a lot, things that aren't that great for your condition lol).

Sooooo... what do you guys and gals think, feel like supporting me through this challenge? ;-)
I'll keep you all posted! =)

Session 5: Getting to know myself.

This session was actually very enlightening! I had such a positive feeling afterwards. I felt like I got to know a lot about myself and made some progress for the first time. You don't often realise what you are about until someone points you to it.
We started off chatting a bit and she was asking how I'm doing and how my relationship is now.
I told her we decided to write some stuff down cause it might help us to be more conscious about our actions and our behavior towards eachother. She said she was very postively surprised to hear that and she also said it's a very good idea to do so and we should concentrate on that for a while.
After that, we started where we ended last time (it was a very emotional session so I decided not to write it down and get into details).
Though I was focussing on what she said, it was very difficult to let my emotions run free. My psychologist noticed that it wasn't getting much result so she stopped and started to talk with me.
She knows by talking, my emotions will show after a while in stead of go looking for that feeling. Once I got hold of it, we immediately switched to the excerise we were doing before. Basically, she makes me close my eyes and think about what I'm feeling and welcoming that feeling while expressing my emotions either crying, smiling, ...  while she sits in front of me, tapping my knees in a balanced rhythm so I would concentrate on that sound/touch and the feeling I'm experiencing. (probably because she knows I'm easily distracted lol).
Afterwards, she explained some things to me which eventually made me realise a lot of things.
I'm not able to keep a hold of that feeling because of the natural protection I've built up during my childhood / teenage years. Once I feel sad, it goes into action which basically means that I can't feel sad for longer than 1-2 minutes, then it stops as fast as it came.
The subject we work around most is me feeling lonely and alone all the time which makes me sad.
I explained that I could easily spent a whole day with friends but that I never really feel their 'presence' as if they are standing on the other side, out of reach. So spending time with others, still doesn't solve the problem of feeling alone.
Then she said it's natural because of the walls I've built up and by letting my emotions flow and trying to get a hold of that feeling, I'm working on gaining control of letting those walls fall down if I choose to, because now I can't open up even if I want to.
She noticed that it made me think and probably wonder if that's a bad thing so she continued by saying: 'listen, Kim, those walls you've built up were built up by a reason. Children are too young and actually also incapable of dealing with negative emotions like lonelyness, sadness, depression, and things like that. They either colapse and gain mental ilnesses or they distract theirselves from that feeling and they built up a wall in order to prevent theirselves from feeling it. Actually, those last 2 options are the best things to do as a child and that's exactly what you're strength has been all these years. But now as an adult, you are strong enough to deal with them and are able to make your own hapiness. As a child, we are stuck in the situation that we are so we do everything that's necessairy to get through it. I think you did extremely well as I see how you've turned out to be.
Now it's time to learn how to break those walls down, it's like telling yourself 'thank you for getting me through this, now it's time to let go and I can take it over from here'.

Thank you Katrien, You have no idea how much you're helping me...!


Session 3

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Session 2

My second therapy session with the Psychologist went okay yesterday. I had a better feeling about it than the first time. The first time, she made me talk about an experience in my past which she labelled as a 'childhood trauma'.
I felt like I had to open up too fast and I felt bad about it afterwards. She also made me tell the story 6 x times in a row and I felt like such an idiot for having to do so. Each time I finished, she would distract me by letting me describe a random object, to take my mind and emotions away from the story.
Yesterday, she made me tell it once again to check how my emotions were like when I was talking about it.
She said it was necessairy because the more I talk about it, the more emotions will come loose and I need to let them flow so that my sensibility towards the subject will become less and less.
She also explained that I never got to work through it because my family wouldn't talk about it with me. They just pretended like nothing happened. I guess they wanted to leave me out of it. But when you whitnessed something that had a huge effect on you, you need to confront yourself with it, not ignore it and I had been ignoring it for way too long.
During my first sessions, I felt like it was a waste of time. Why talk about things that happened in the past when the present is very different? I'm here because I feel bad and depressed in the present, why would I have to stand still with the past?
She explained that whatever happens in the present that went different than I had in mind (which would upset or disappoint me or make me feel bad), I will keep giving heavy reactions to it because it will always be that 'one drop that will let the bucket overflow', that's because I haven't worked out those things from the past.
She feels like I need to do that first before I can become stable again...
I didn't realise that until after the second session.
I don't like to dwell about the past because I want to be positive and looking bright to the future, but I realise now that sometimes we have to find closure first.
During the next 2 weeks, I have to let my emotions flow. I don't really allow myself to be sad or to cry for several minutes long, usually I distract myself so I can stop crying and feel better but now, I have to realise I'm sad and accept it untill I'm fully cried out and feel relieved. It's a strange and new concept to me...
Accepting the sadness and welcoming it, saying it's okay to be sad and allowing myself to be in that very moment... I'll try my best...

I had a good talk about it with my partner too yesterday. He was saying something that reminded me about my session and it triggered a conversation about it. I was feeling sad still, and he said 'don't cry, everything will be alright' and I told him that I HAD to cry and let it all out and explained him why.
The psychologist also recommended me to tell my partner that he shouldn't feel guilty about it everytime I cry because he triggered it. He always felt guilty for making me cry about "stupid, small" things, thinking he was making me sad while he needed to understand that it was just a 'drop too much on the bucket' that's making me sad. It's also something I didn't realise before.

I'm glad to say I finally found a Psychologist I feel at ease with and good with. The things she says finally make sense and I guess I'm more open to it now. I'll see how it goes in the future =) ~


Looking back at 2012

This past year has been a year of many changes.
As I look back on it, most of them have been for the good!

In the beginning of January, I was offered a contract in the company I had worked for a year back then (and I still work here so far), I was so happy! This meant I finally had a regular income and I was able to get my own life started!
So in February, I moved out of the house with my boyfriend. We found a nice place a little bit further from the city for a pretty cheap price because it was a bit further from shops and so on, which isn't a problem because I pass the shops when I drive back from work. It had everything we wanted: a big garden, room for 2 bedrooms and a room to make a dressing room and it also had a very large room where my boyfriend could make his studio.

Not long after, we started looking for a dog (we kinda missed that around the house because we both had pets when we lived with our parents). We found a nice breeder with very beautiful dogs and not long after, Lexi (a border collie) joined our family.

Our first summer in our new place was pretty amazing too! The weather was warm and we had a lot of days with sunshine so naturally, we just had to give a poolparty! (with a small Intex pool) It was quite funny! Of course the pool didn't survive our friends but that's alright.

Parties are a big part of our current life since my boyfriend is a dj. The bright side of it, is that we can almost go to every event in VIP for free if we know the people who are organizing it hahah
But it's not always as much fun as it sounds. It also means we are sometimes a bit obligated to go, even if we don't feel like it at the moment.

2012 was also a year with a lot of personal struggles in our relationship. We had a lot of ups and downs since we moved in together. I guess we just had a hard time to adapt to our new situation. We had to get used to doing more of housekeeping and still try to find enough time for eachother. But I think we made it through the storm and things are getting better again.
It was also a year with a lot of financial struggles. We didn't get the chance to save a lot of money since I moved out of the house as soon as I had certainty about a regular income. We had to buy a lot of furnuture and stuff like that, but I guess we survived that too and I hope 2013 will be a year where we can actually start saving again.

In December, we started thinking about getting a second dog. Border collies are very active and people have always told us it's better to get 2 of them so they can play together sometimes. We noticed with Lexi that this was also the case so we started to look for another breeder. When we contacted them, their dog was already pregnant and was about giving birth to the puppies any day from then. We planned a visit and by then, the puppies were born. Since they were everything we searched for, we immediately chose one from the nest. We will pick up 'Shadow' in February this year  I'm so excited already!

I think the best thing about 2012 was that we had a lot of cheerful moments that we spent with our best friends.
I hope we can continue that in 2013!


1-5 of 5 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Session 27th of August, posted August 30th, 2013, 2 comments
New Challenge Accepted: 1 month of sports & healthy food!, posted August 12th, 2013, 11 comments
Session 5: Getting to know myself., posted June 26th, 2013, 1 comment
Session 3, posted May 29th, 2013, 2 comments
Session 2, posted May 16th, 2013, 6 comments
Looking back at 2012, posted January 10th, 2013

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